Maternity leave loneliness
I’ve been trying to decide whether or not to publish this post as it seems such a selfish and trivial way to feel about my maternity leave – a time that I should be cherishing. But I have to admit that being on maternity this time round I’ve found myself feeling extremely lonely and isolated from the everyday world.
Each day I spend my time washing, cleaning, breastfeeding, changing nappies, completing the everyday mundane chores day in day out. I try to break the habit, taking the odd walk with the pram, a visit to the shops or a trip to the park….. but again it’s just me and L. As much as I love my boy and spending time with him whilst on maternity, I crave the company of other adults to speak to and most of all, my working life.
Work. Dare I say I miss work. Miss working with my fab team in Nursery, miss mixing with the children I teach. I will be missing the start of the school year – the most important time for me as a teacher and it makes me feel sad that I won’t be there to welcome and settle in my new little ones.
I’m torn by the expectation that I should be enjoying the time I have with L versus wanting to go back to work. But what I have realised is that I’m not just a mum but a person in my own right and my work as a teacher helps define who I am and at the minute I feel a little lost without it in my life.
I know now that I am not cut out to be a stay at home mum. It’s not in me as a person – I find being a stay at home mum much harder than working! My hat goes off to those mothers who do it full time. I think it takes a certain person to do it full time….. and that person just isn’t me.
Please don’t judge me. I’m already judging myself as the guilt of wanting to leave my baby earlier than I planned eats away at me, as I crave the normality of working life again.
Am I selfish? Am I stupid for wanting to go back to work? All I know is that if I carry on being at home then I’m going to resent the time left I have on maternity, so I’ve decided to return to work 2 months earlier…
Only time will tell if I’ve made the right decision. But at the minute, it feels right for me and hopefully right for my little family.